WITH APOLOGIES TO SPANX

   I'd been looking for a means

 To improve the way I look in jeans.

 Then I found a Spanx that binds us

 Shapes and smooths what is behind us.

 So here I am all sleek and svelte,

 But such sore feet I've never felt!

 For while this may be what I fit in,

 It's not something I can sit in. - GC

WEE WARDROBE

"My neighbor claims it's unfair,

 She has so little to wear,

 And I'm afraid she's right.

 Anybody could see,

 Obviously, she

 Wore it again last night." - GC

KEEPING IT ON ICE

                            "This freezer will pay for itself,"
                             The ads say and urge you to try one.
                             The day it has paid for itself,
                             I'll be right down to buy one." - GC

EVERY DAY IS MOTHER'S DAY

     "Children ask embarrassing questions

       In front of one neighbor or another,

       And that's the time that invention

       Is the necessity of mother." - GC

AH, LUXURY!

          "PLACES THAT WAIT ON YOU HAND AND FOOT

            CAN BE REALLY EASY TO PEG,

            FOR OFTEN THEY'RE THE SAME PLACES

            THAT CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG." - GC

TODAY IN FORT WORTH

                                "SPRING HAS SPRUNG,

                                 BUT THE WEATHER HAS COOLED;

                                 THIS IS ONE MORE TIME

                                 I'VE BEEN APRIL FOOLED." - GC    

OPERA!

"AFTER READING THE LIBRETTO

                              TOOK A FLIGHT TO SPOLETO

                              TO HEAR RIGOLETTO

                              SUNG ALL FALSETTO."  - GC 

"I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE

 A CHEESE AS LOVELY AS A BRIE,

 ONE THAT WAS TENDERLY ESCORTED

 ACROSS BORDERS SO IT'S IMPORTED.

 OF COURSE, IT MAY COST SOME MONEY

 BUT BRIE REIGNS WHEN AGED AND RUNNY." - GC

Advanced Education

"THERE ONCE WAS A BOY IN D.C.

 WHO KNEW DATES OF ALL WARS SINCE B.C.

                                  DID HE GO TO COLLEGE

                                  TO GAIN THIS VAST KNOWLEDGE?

                                  NO, JUST TO GOOGLE ON HIS PC."

BUDGET BUNGLE

"LITTLE MISS MUFFET SAT SADLY ON HER TUFFET,

 HER BUDGET WAS NOW A WRECK.

     SHE HAD MET A GUY ONLINE
     
     WHO TOOK HER TO WINE AND DINE

 THEN SKIPPED OUT ON THE CHECK."

PUBLIC SPEAKING

"There once wath a girl from Cathay

 Who had very little to thay;

 Her thpeech wath inhibited letht it exhibited

 A lithp that would not go away." - GC

THOSE GOLDEN YEARS

                            
"RETIREMENT IS WHEN
 LIBIDOS ARE TETHERED,
 NEWSPRINT GETS SMALLER
 AND NESTS ARE  LESS FEATHERED."

CLOCKWISE

"I have two friends called Tick and Tock
  Who live inside my bedside clock.
  Tock is the boldest, ringing basso voce
  In the morn or at mid-noche;
  Tick's a shy  one ringing higher
  (He's from a castrati choir).
  Yes, there's dissonance still I claim them,
  And when I'm late always blame them." - GC
 

WEIGHTY MATTERS

My mind would be expanded,
Intellectually complete
If I could retain what I read 
As I do what I eat.

SOCIAL MEDIA

Thanks to Facebook and Twitter
Where  little is left unsaid,
Whatever someone's been up to
Is no sooner done than spread.
 

TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE....

Figures and features
Are unreliable creatures
That will change with passing years.
A smiling crinkle
Becomes a wrinkle,
And a waistline disappears.

SIZING THINGS UP

"As seasons pass
  I think Alas!
  Wondering what clothes I still fit in,
  Do hate to  boast
  But I  found a host,
  Albeit none I can sit in." - GC
 

Miss Muffet Defends Her Pint

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

 Enjoying a cooling pint of ale,

 Along came a rabbit who tried to
grab it,

So she gave a good yank to his tail.

 

THAT'S LIFE

"Life is a series of misses and hits,
 Days of plenty and days of bits.
 I accept the quotient but am somewhat vexed
 By never  knowing which is coming next." - GC

DRESS CODE

"In days of old, so we're told,
 Girls dressed much like Mother Hubbard.
 But today it seems they
 Dress more like her cupboard." - GC